ask louie

Ask Louie - where people come to solve unsolvable problems

What if roots were square?

Hi Louie,

I had a thought just a minute ago: What if roots were square? I mean like the roots of plants. Potatoes and carrots too. I know that numbers have roots that are square, so why not plants?

Tommy

Hi Tommy,

I'm glad you asked me this question. I know a lot about this subject.

Even though it would be easier to stack carrots and potatoes if they were square -- cubic, actually -- it would be harder to pull them out of the ground.

Glad I could help.
Louie

Is x-ray vision bad for you?

December 4, 2011

Dear Louie,

This has been bothering me for a long time. When Superman looks at a person, a lady for instance, with his x-ray vision, does he see her underwear or her ribs? I've been thinking it would be cool to have x-ray vision. Is that something I can develop?

Also, is it bad to be exposed to x-rays from Superman?

Thanks in advance, Jimy O

Dear Jimy,
If you just want to see naked ladies (I'm just guessing here.), I'm not sure that x-ray vision is the way to go.

As for Superman's x-rays being bad? No. Superman is a benevolent character. If he kills you with his x-ray vision, it's only by accident. Hope that helps.

Louie
PS: You might want to try to develop microwave vision instead so you can at least pop popcorn.

back to main page

If Sharks Were Poisonous

October 24, 2011

Dear Louie,

I just had an awful thought: What if sharks were poisonous?

I'm already scared of sharks. Are there any poisonous species? I'm afraid of being nipped by one and maybe dying from a reaction to their toxic venom.

EL-Wa from Ontario

Hi EL-Wa,
I'm an expert on this subject. It's good that you contacted me.

Sharks are grouchy, and yes, some sharks are poisonous and therefore should be avoided. Their venom, if you should get get bitten by one and it breaks your skin, could be fatal. Despite the fact that your arm or leg, and sometimes your entire head, might be gone and that blood is gushing out of your body like a fire hose, most people actually die from the toxic venom of these ruthless predators. The effects of this poison can be felt sometimes in minutes.

Although these sharks can certainly be deadly, the ones you really want to avoid are the varieties that also have laser beams in their eyes. These rare, nasty hunters can track you down from outer space and attack you in your dreams. The best way to avoid these creatures is to never leave your house and to always burn incense.

Hope that helps,
Louie
back to main page

Barbecue Blunderation

June 18, 2011

Dear Louie,

I really messed up the barbecue today. I have a lot of guests too. What should I do?

Thanks a bunch,
Chance

Dear Chance? (Is that your real name?)

Order a pizza.

Louie
back to main page

Why she do me like dat?

June 5, 2010

Hey Dear Louie,

My girlfriend thinks I'm an idiot. I can't take it anymore. What should I do?

P.S. I love her. She's really hot. - Rufus

Hi Rufus,

You should marry her.

Louie
back to main page

They're so white...

April - 14 – 2010

Dear Louie,

I had my teeth whitened a couple of years ago. Now summer’s coming and I’m afraid that when I get a tan it’ll look freaky. What should I do?

- Paulette in Punxutawney

Dear Paulette,
I would advise you to drink as much Orange Pekoe tea as possible before June. Make it strong and don’t swallow it, just carry it around in your mouth. And try not to talk too much while you’re doing your tea therapy. (You might want to refer to my article, “How to Be a Ventriloquist.”)

By the way, have you thought of adding anorexia to your "look good" strategy?

Louie
back to main page

How to be a ventriloquist

April - 10 - 2010

Dear Louie,

I’d like to become a ventriloquist. Should I read a book on the topic? Do any colleges offer courses – for credit… like Harvard? How can I find a good teacher? - Matt

Hi Matt,
I know a lot about this topic. You've come to the right place.

You should first practice smiling all the time and talking with your teeth clenched, like I do. Practice this phrase: “Hi, ny nane is Natt. Utt’s yer nane?” Do it all day long. Don’t read any books. That’s stupid. That would be like reading a book telling you how to ride a bicycle. Know utt I nean? (I was sniling when I said dat.)

Louie
back to main page

Where's my mail?

February 15, 2013

Dear Louie,

Why did the Village People never have a mailman? Is there a government regulation against it?

Thank you in advance,
Robert

Hello Robert,

Thanks for asking me this question. I'm an expert on this subject.

During the initial research stages before the Village People launch back in 1977, it was discovered that the mail bag - the key identifying object of a mailman - put severe restrictions on the performers ability to grind their hips.

So it's not that mailmen aren't considered macho (as in the song, Macho Man). They're all macho, otherwise they never would have gotten the job in the first place. It's simply a practical issue.

Other "types" that didn't make the cut were astronauts, bishops (with their the robes and tall hats), deep sea divers (with the brass helmets) and lumberjacks because of their chainsaws.

Hope this helps,
Louie

No-talent bear

August 7, 2010

Dearest Louie,

I'm trying to teach my bear to spit but it's not going so well. He bites.

I also tried to teach him to whistle and then to yodel. I'm beginning to think that he has no talent. Am I doing something wrong?

Righteously yours,
Leviticus

Dear Levi,
First of all, I would never tell someone that they have no talent, but I'm wondering if maybe teaching isn't your forte. Are you sure it's a bear?

Louie
back to main page

I wanna be a musician

Dear Louie,

I want to be a musician, but I don’t think I’m very good looking. Do I have a chance?

- Paul

Dear Paul,
Probably not. Musicians are very attractive people, much more attractive than average people, but I understand what you’re going through. I had the same problem when I was younger.

As I grew older though, I was pleased to see that my peers were becoming less and less attractive, making me appear much better looking by contrast.

My advice: Just wait it out. You could also just become a studio musician and it won’t matter.

Louie
back to main page

Am I Worshiping the Devil?

Dear Louie,

You're a music expert... answer me this: My dad says that there's a thing called a pentatonic and that people used to use them all the time in the 60s. What is it? What does it look like? Where can I buy one? Are they expensive? Does it need a battery?

He says you can hear it on all the Led Zeppelin records. Is it the thing with all the echo on it? Are there any pictures?

"Pentatonic" sounds like something to do with devil worship or witchcraft or something. Will I experience eternal damnation if I use one?

Tad Rocker

Dear Tad,

They're not as easy to find anymore. Back in the 60s and 70s, people used them with everything. Then people got sick of them for a while because they made everything sound the same. But they never quite went away; blues guitar players still like them. So do R&B singers. Kind of like mustard and ketchup: They'll always be here.

As far as seeing a pentatonic... Seeing one is like seeing a chupacabra, or like a vampire seeing himself (or herself) in a mirror, or like seeing the face of Jesus on a piece of toast. Sometimes if you squint, it's easier to see one. Hearing one, on the other hand, is really easy to do.

And as far as the witchcraft thing goes: Damned if I know. Worshiping the devil? Yeah, probably, but maybe not.

Hope that helps.

Louie
back to main page

It's OK to be rude to customer service people. Right?

Dear Louie,

I know that you're supposed to not talk on your cellphone when you're at the checkout line because the checker is a person and you shouldn't be rude to people, and that by talking on the phone while they're helping you, you're pretty much telling them that they're scum, not human and not worth talking to. And that's wrong.

But what about when you're like talking to tech support or customer service for like a credit card company? Is it OK to be like rude to those people? Sometimes they're like in another country and have accents and say things like "Yes, I'll be happy to help you with that," when in fact, you know they're like just reading from a script, saying what they were like told to say.

Kim

-------------------

Hi Kim,

You've come to the right place to ask this question. I know a lot about this topic.

While it's easy to mistake the people on the other end of the phone as robot-like entities who mechanically utter people sounds, they're really not robots. They're actual people.

You might want to consider the possibility (if it's a credit card company you're talking to, for instance) that they might not be quite the doormat you thought they were after you decided to play the whale and yodel up a beefy dose of vitriol to spew all over them.

In other words, they could, if provoked, cancel your credit card, jack up the rate, or, with the click of a mouse, make you look like you missed several payments, ruining your credit for life.

If the latter happens, you'll then have to deal with some real, formidable combatants -- bill collectors -- who like robots, have no souls, hence they answer to no higher power.

If your goal is simply to abuse someone on the phone of off, I suggest you become a bill collector.

Hope that helps.

Louie