10 Cool New Ways to Kill Your Boss
September - 15 - 2009 by Lou Savage
The how-to guide you’ve been waiting for. Here! Now!
Sick and tired of that nagging so-and-so at work? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Here are ten fresh and creative ideas designed for the eradication of your very own personal workplace menace.
1. Simply wait for him to die of old age. Problem is, there’s no sense of immediacy in this strategy. No immediacy means less satisfaction. Let’s move on to some quicker solutions.
2. Invite him on a hot air balloon ride. Secretly wear a parachute under your clothes, or wear it as you normally would and just tell him it’s a back pack full of wine and cheese. If you wear the parachute under your clothes, tell him that you’re retaining water, or better yet, tell him that you dressed in layers because you didn’t know how cold it was going to be.When you reach a thousand feet or so up in the air, jump out of the basket. Because of the sudden weight change, the balloon will instantly slingshot up into the stratosphere where he’ll either suffocate or freeze to death. Maybe both! Better yet, he might burn up on re-entry! (Helpful hint: Don’t forget to open your chute before you hit the ground, otherwise you’ll be dead before he will.)
3. If your boss is a right-winger, you’ll love this.Tell him that the president just suggested that it would be unwise for people to drive their cars over cliffs. Word will spread on Twitter and will infuriate Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck who will insist that the president has a secret agenda. “It is our right to drive our cars over cliffs if we choose to do so,” they’ll say.They will then orchestrate a protest suggesting that people drive their cars over cliffs to show that they won’t stand for this government interference in their private lives. “We’ll show that commie,” they’ll say.At that point your boss, being a patriot, will either be dead, or at the very least, seriously injured. Joke’s on him.
4. Give him a jug of Prestone antifreeze. Scratch out the word antifreeze with a felt tipped pen and write “ice cold lemonade.” He’ll never know the difference. Do this on a hot day and he’ll be dead within 24 hours. (Helpful hint: Turn off the air conditioner. Also, store the antifreeze in the refrigerator to make it nice and cool and refreshing. Don’t worry, it won’t freeze.)
5. Acquire a jar of bobcat urine. (Bobcat urine is readily available at most reputable garden shops in California.) The logic is that if you have coyotes, spread bobcat urine in your yard, and coyotes will stay away. If you have rodents, you can also buy coyote urine in jars to spread around your yard. The scent will repel the rodents.Being the cagey person you are, however, you have a better idea: What if you’ve spread bobcat urine around your yard, but the bobcat is then attracted to it thinking that he or she will find a mate? Well, that’s precisely what you want to happen! Just follow this recipe and your boss will be dead before you know it. (Helpful hint: Remember to put the urine into a spray bottle. It’ll be easier to apply that way.)When your boss isn’t home, break into his house. Be careful not to set off any alarms or let the neighbors see you. If a neighbor does see you, tell them that you’re a locksmith. Better yet, tell them that you’re a secret agent and that your boss is a terrorist and that they’d better keep this hush-hush.Once you’ve broken into your boss’ house, go into the bedroom and spray the bobcat urine on his bed and on all his clothes. Be careful not to disrupt anything, you don’t want to tip him off. (Helpful hint: Be sure you wear rubber gloves. That way your hands won’t stink.)Next, leave some windows open around the house, but not in obvious places like the kitchen or the bedroom. Spray some bobcat urine on the curtains and on the window sills to help guide the bobcat to its target. If everything works as planned, within a short time a bobcat will come into your boss’ house because he wants to mate with him. When your boss wakes up out of a sound sleep with a bobcat on top of him, he’ll scream, frightening the bobcat. The bobcat will then kill him and maybe even eat him. (Note: It’s better if the bobcat eats him because it will remove any suspicion of foul play.)
6. Here’s another suffocation scenario that you’ll just love. Invite your boss to go scuba diving. Loan him an air tank, but – and here’s the fun part – fill it with water instead of air! (Helpful hint: If you’re diving in the ocean, make sure to add some salt to the water.)
7. Go to a pawn shop and buy as many old watches as you can. Be sure to buy only the ones with radium dials that glow in the dark. Radium, lucky for you, is one million times more radioactive (so they say) than an equal amount of uranium. (If that’s so, you may ask, why don’t we power nuclear submarines with radium? Who knows?) The point is, that if you carefully scrape the radium off the glow-in-the-dark dials of those old watches, you should end up with enough to give your boss a nasty case of radiation poisoning. Ouch! (Helpful hint: Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask. Don’t forget eye protection too!)If you invite your boss for cocktails at happy hour, you could, for example, order a round of fruity, colorful drinks – those lime colored ones, for instance – and slip some of the radium into it. The radium will add a festive glow to the drink and to your boss.Another strategy is (after removing the crystal – the glass covering of a wrist watch) is to quizzically ask him, “Does this watch taste funny to you?” He, of course, will lick your watch, wanting to demonstrate to you that he’s an expert on even this esoteric topic. He will then get radiation poisoning and within, let’s say, 25 years, “voila!” he’ll be pushin’ up daisies!The great thing about this method is that if the radiation doesn’t kill him, the by-product of the radium’s decay will – radon gas. And if you think that’s cool (Or should I say, “rad?”), wait ’til you hear this: As radium disintegrates over time, the final product in its decomposition is lead! It doesn’t get any better than that! Imagine, lead poisoning!
8. Buy a blow torch. (You’ll love this, especially if your boss is a smoker.) Here’s what to do:Strap the acetylene tank to your legs under you pants or your dress. No one will ever know. (Helpful hint for the guys: A good camouflage trick is to strap the tank to your thigh near your groin under your pants. You’ll look super-manly. Great if your boss is a woman.)When your boss pulls out a cigarette – make sure that you’ve stolen his lighter and matches first – he’ll ask you if you have a light. You’ll pull out your torch and hand it to him, careful to conceal the hose that attaches to the tank. When he brings the nozzle toward his face, spark your igniter. (Make sure the gas on the tank is turned on otherwise it won’t be as funny.)You’ll know you’ve succeeded if his head looks like a lump of charcoal. Marshmallows anyone?
9. Ask your boss which pillow smells better, the one with the new fabric softener you’re trying or the one that you’ve soaked with ether. (Wink, wink.) He’ll, of course, swoon when he sniffs the ether. When he passes out, it’ll be easy as 1-2-3 to just suffocate him with the pillow. If fate is truly on your side, he’ll fall face-first onto the pillow and finish the job himself.
10. Send him an letter, allegedly from his “real” parents saying, “We didn’t want to tell you until you were a grownup, but you’re a pedophile. That’s why we put you up for adoption.” (It doesn’t matter that he’s not a pedophile. Remember, he can’t tell the difference.) Sign the letter, “Love, Mom and Dad: Jim and Nancy Jean Hitler.” If he’s especially gullible, he’ll kill himself right on the spot out of fear that his wife will find out. What could be more carefree? (Helpful hint: You might want to carry a gun with you to hand him if he doesn’t already have one. And don’t forget to wear rubber gloves to hide your fingerprints. Remember, you’re the innocent one here.)
So there you have it, a plan, and a stylish one at that. Now go out and enjoy the rest of your life, free at last from the burden of that jerk in the front office that gets paid for doing nothing all day.