Save a Tree: Visionary Suggests Paperless Bathrooms
If local El Paso ecologist and stunt personality, BAMF Willis has anything to say about it, the leaves of Illinois trees will never again rustle with fear that their limbs will be lopped and their heartwood hacked just so mankind can have its beloved paper. At least, so says Willis.
“It’s a metaphor,” says Willis, referring to the term, “hacked,” as he lies face down on the lawn, caressing the dewey grass. “I love her… the earth that is. That’s why I make sweet love to her. She’s like a beautiful woman,” he tells us while pulling up his trousers and lighting a cigarette.
Author of the 800-plus page tome, “I, a Ecologist,” Willis explains in detail how “nature is nothing more than a giant computer being hacked by humankind.” He claims that the oceans, the forests, the skies are being interfered with by “know-nothing science types... hackers” who “for their own selfish motives” have plundered the earth’s resources. “The earth was once like a fine Swiss watch. Now it’s like a 72 Cutlass with bald tires and a bad muffler. And it stinks. ...the car, I mean.”
One of Willis’ earth-saving ideas is the creation of paperless bathrooms. “Think of how many trees we’ll save if people just stop using toilet paper. I mean, we already have paperless banking, paperless plane tickets. Why not paperless bathrooms?”
Willis, so far, hasn't explained how his paperless bathrooms would function, stating that, "I just like the way it sounds."
In his book, Willis, who shed the name Bradley in exchange for the heartier sounding BAMF, details how he thinks certain world figures intend to profit from the earth’s demise. “It’s like short-selling the earth,” he says. “They’re going for the quick money while generations from now, people will still be trying to fix it.”
“Obama did all this!” he says, shaking his fist at the sky. “The mortgage crisis, the bailouts – October, 2008, that giant oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. That was all his work! He did all this!”
Willis’ ecological epiphany occurred after being asked to leave the Army Reserve in 2008, and after being abandoned by his girlfriend on the northbound 39 freeway in El Paso, Illinois. “Everything was finally clear” he told us. “That’s when I started the book. The only thing I could trust was the earth. It was my friend and my girlfriend was the foe, a hacker.”
Whether or not his paperless trend will catch on is yet to be seen. “People are like little kittens,” he says. “They can’t see into the future, but I can. And I don’t blame ‘em. That’s why I became a stunt personality, because I can see into the future. That’s why I call myself BAMF, ‘cause I’m a Bad*ss Mother****er.
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