5 Ways Not to Be Possessed by the Devil

Picture

July -15- 2011 - Haven’t you wondered why you’re obligated to spend valuable life minutes (not unlike cellphone minutes) battling the devil when you could be out doing anything else? (Is there an app for that?)


For those of us devoted to the undermining of the pervasive powers of the Prince of Darkness, let’s just get down to it. Here’s how to thwart and ultimately annihilate the Bad Boy of the Bible:



  1. “Thou Shalt Not Incant!” Duh! Simple enough. When rummaging through Grandma’s attic and accidentally stumbling onto a copy of The Necronomicon, it’s only natural that one, upon flipping it open, would exclaim, “Holy shit! Listen to this: ‘Prince of darkness, I summon thee hither from thy sleep…' (etc., etc.) Is that crazy or what?” only find that you‘ve unwittingly awakened a demon that makes you a zombie, kills everyone in the house, and then hides in waiting for the next person to buy the house and possesses him too, after which they make half a dozen scary movies about it.

    Don’t be a dunce! If it looks like an incantation, it IS an incantation. And one more thing: The devil doesn’t care how high you are when you do an incantation. Words are words; once spoken, you can’t take them back!

  2. "Really? You're Drawing a Pentagram?" People are constantly fooling around with pentagrams thinking that they’re “really cool.” Well listen up friends: Drawing a pentagram on your forehead or on the floor (especially in blood) is only a hop skip and a jump from having your soul snatched for eternity. (Yes, eternity!) It’s like the Bat Signal, but only for the devil. It’s like making a crop circle and NOT expecting aliens to land in your cornfield.

  3. Shout It On Top of the Mountain! If there’s one thing the devil hates, it’s loud noises, especially loud voices. If you should happen to find yourself standing face to face with the devil (or if you wake up and find him hovering over you in bed) be sure to shout, “I rebuke you Satan, in the name of the Lord!” (Say it with me: “I rebuke you Satan, in the name of the Lord!”)

    Never mind that you might wake up the rest of the house. Never mind that you’re standing in line at the grocery store, or that you’re dining in a fine restaurant. Just do it! People will thank you.

  4. Nix the Goathead Mask! You’ve heard the saying, “Spare the rod, spoil the child?” Well, here we say, “Spare the Goathead Mask, Spoil the Devil’s Party!”

    Don’t think that it’s all fun and games when you decide to put on a goathead mask at a frat party, or in church. (Yes! People do it! Big fun, huh?) Goatheads are for goats, and for DEMONS WORSHIPERS! What if you walked into a bar wearing high heals and skimpy underwear? Think you’d attract any guys? Sure you would! Great if you’re a girl. But what if you’re a guy!? Oh yeah, huh? That’s what happens when you put on a goathead mask! Great if you're a demon worshiper. You might as well have the devil’s phone number on speed-dial. Remember: Think twice before donning!

  5. So You Think Church Is Funny?  The devil loves nothing more than sitting in the back pew of the church (especially if it’s Catholic) and seeing people cut up. It’s a herald’s call for the devil to march right up and snuff you on the spot. Oh, you think passing gas in church is funny? So does the devil. He loves it when you disrespect your savior. So if you never want to see your parents again (if you're a kid) or if you never want to see your kids again (if you're a parent), feel free - yuck it up.


Coming soon: Why should I be the only one using turn signals?

main page