Ants In the Snow

a collection of writings, fictions, lies, half-truths, and distorted thoughts by Lou Savage

A Notable Death - a story

The Life of Harry Donaldson

...I am... or rather, was Harry Donaldson. I am the man who gave his life for you when he destroyed the internet. I tell this story of my own death, knowing that I will certainly be lauded as one of civilization’s greatest heroes, the savior of humankind. And alas, since no one seemed terribly interested in tooting my horn while I was alive, it seems only apropos that I should toot it now on my own behalf.
read or listen

ARTICLES

High Tech Glove Ensures Hardy Handshakes

It’s happened to everyone at one time or another: You meet someone new, dutifully stick our your hand for a quick greeting, and get handed a warm fish-hand clasp in return.

Manually challenged business men, with their meek, limp, fishy handshakes, now have a means of ensuring that they shake like a “real” man while dealing with their western counterparts.
read

5 Ways Not to Be Possessed by the Devil

These days it's easy as pie to get yourself in a jam with the Bad Guy. These 5 easy-to-follow pointers will keep the heat off.

Haven’t you wondered why you’re obligated to spend valuable life minutes (not unlike cellphone minutes) battling the Devil when you could be out doing anything else? (It seems that there should be an app for that.) read

Visionary Advocates Paperless Bathrooms

If local El Paso ecologist and stunt personality, BAMF Willis has anything to say about it, the leaves of Illinois trees will never again rustle with fear that their limbs will be lopped and their heartwood hacked just so mankind can have its beloved paper. At least, so says Willis. read

10 Cool New Ways to Kill Your Boss

Sick and tired of that nagging so-and-so at work? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Here are ten fresh and creative ideas designed for the eradication of your very own personal workplace menace. read

Reincarnation Advocate Born Again

Performing his original composition, “Not In My Country, Not With My Flag” the former Eckankar devotee, who until recently had proclaimed that soul travel, reincarnation and karma were aspects of walking the ideal spiritual path, was now singing a different tune. read

Chef With Unpronounceable Name Opens Restaurant With Unpronounceable Name

Potential customers, directory assistance operators and cab drivers struggle. Restaurateur Łódźki Działoszyce also struggles. The gifted chef is saddled with the burden of opening an aspiring 5-star restaurant, but one that cannot be easily found in the phone book, talked about among friends, inquired about in a taxicab, talked about at a party or read about in the newspaper. read

Man Tickles Self, Laughs Indefinitely

Five Things You Definitely Need Teeth to Do

Blind Dog With Perfect Pitch Aids Deaf piano Tuner

Woman Undergoes Rhinoplasty. Nose Grows Back,
Speaks Dutch

ANECDOTES

How to Frost a Car
June 4 - 2009

Yet another friend of mine told me about how when he was young, he’d buy a used car for a hundred bucks or so, fix it up, then drive it until it fell apart. Then he’d just buy another one and do it all over again. read

STORIES

Loves Dogs
Lord knows that dogs die, sometimes only after a few years. He treated the death of a dog the way a soldier would honor a fallen comrade. read

Flaming Messiah
(a true story)

Sparks seemed to dance behind his head while people casually chatted around him.
read

A Cunning Gendarme
He'd just been given the post of Police Chief, a new stage upon which he could display his skills. People would be dazzled. read

A Cyclist's Lament: Where's my groin?
(a true story)

September 3 - 2009

It was Saturday morning and Dick needed to find a bike shop. Saturday was his big riding day, but he’d been having a problem riding longer than a half hour at a time. read

Uncle Sam's Sentimental Side: "I like you."
("No, not you... You!")

"C'mon over here and give yer uncle a hug," says old toughie.

iPhone apps I'd like to see

June 23 - 2010

It can already do so many things. Why can't it do just a few more things that I really need? Here are some apps that I'd like to see. read

ASK LOUIE

If Sharks Were Poisonous
October 23 - 2011

Dear Louie,
I just had an awful thought:
read

Barbecue Blunderation
June 18 - 2011

Dear Louie,
I really messed up the barbecue today. I have a lot of guests too. What should I do? read

Why she do me like dat?
June 5 - 2010

Dear Louie,
My girlfriend thinks I'm an idiot. I can't take it anymore. What should I do? P.S. I love her. She's really hot. - Rufus
read

They're so white…
April 14 – 2010

Dear Louie,
I had my teeth whitened a couple of years ago. Now summer’s coming and I’m afraid that when I get a tan, it’ll look freaky. What should I do? read

Am I worshiping the devil?

Dear Louie,
You're a music expert... answer me this: My dad says that there's a thing called a pentatonic and that people used to use them all the time in the 60s. What is it? What does it look like? Where can I buy one? Does it need a battery? read

MUSINGS

Free at Last

It was a tiring two hour trip from Palm Springs in the middle of the night. I was almost home. It was quarter to one in the morning. I thought I'd stop for some beer at the grocery store, when it started raining. read

On Aging Goats

June 18 - 2010

I, an aging goat, took up acting at or around 46, old for a goat who usually only lives to 11 or 12 years if it isn’t consumed by some nouveau gourmet during its first 100 days. read

About Fatherhood
(on Father's Day)

I never thought much about being a father when I was young. I figured it was just something that people did, something that just happened whether you wanted it to or not. I learned that from watching cats and dogs who, whether they wanted them or not, always ended with a litter of kittens or puppies. read